sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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