God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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