Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
