Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The air was thick with penises
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
