I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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