I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
