Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
