I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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