You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
