I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
