mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
