There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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