Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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