i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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