My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
