I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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