Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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