You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
