WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
