...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
