Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
