she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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