It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
