Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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