dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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