The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
