Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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