nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
