why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
