I wish my penis had an off switch
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
