He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That accounts for only three of the penises
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
