not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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