i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
