so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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