The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
