i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
