I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
