i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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