Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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