Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
