There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
