Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
