He uses pillows to masturbate.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
