Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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