oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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