i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
