hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
