That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
