allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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