I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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