if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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