I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
