I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
